I Hate Paula

Wednesday, January 24, 2007

American Idol, The New York is Sort of Creepy Edition

It’s good that American Idol starts with Ian “The Dancing Queen” Benardo tonight. It restores faith in the value of mocking those desperately in need.

With his idiotically inflated sense of self, rudeness, and stupendous lack of talent, Benardo must be somebody’s idea of a joke. Honestly, he is why I like the mean parts of the show at times: this oddly xenophobic young man really needed the kind of verbal slap that only someone like Simon can provide.

On the other hand, Sarah Burgess needs therapy more than she needs a ticket to Hollywood. Her “daddy doesn’t love me” issues and speed dial tears far outweigh her marginal talent. Which doesn’t make her post audition tears endearing or heartwarming; it makes her more of an object of worried sympathy. Like many of the contestants, she could probably use a few years of growing up before she tries to launch a singing career.

Aside: Maybe Greek singing and dancing competitions are so different from their American competitions that cultural exchange isn’t possible. At least, that’s the polite view of a certain audition this evening…

Which, bad Greek entertainment is a poor way to lead into Ashanti’s desperation play for a trip to Hollywood. Her impressive, melodramatic monolog was certainly long, but just as certainly ineffective. How often do contestants shoot their last shred of dignity away with that kind of a begging performance? Admittedly, most aren’t as earnest or as long-winded, but the belief still seems to be that you can beg your way to Hollywood.

Darling girlfriend notes that the final look that Ashanti gave as she left the room made it seem as if the woman had just broken up with Simon. Which is either funny or disturbing, depending on your point of view.

Hate. Despise. Abhor. Revile. Scorn.

Choose one of the above to describe how I felt about the Paris and Nicole wannabes, Amanda Collucio and Antonella Barba. They both seem shallow and somehow useless to me--empty of depth and emotion. Which might be a job requirement for a unit shifting pop singer these days, I’m not sure.

Which attitude is why I’m not really the target audience for the show; though this blog makes a bit of a hypocrite of me, doesn’t it?

Anyhow, Antonella was the better of the two by far, but damned if the duo aren’t a sign of the creeping mediocrity of American pop music. Or maybe I’m just cranky about the lingering snow and promise of a big, shiny, new storm this weekend.

One of the fun parts of the night was watching Paula courting thoughts of statutory rape when Jenry walked in the room. The darling girlfriend said, as soon as he walked out, that the man is pretty and she could care less how well he sang. Which is nice for Jenry since his audition went well. Decent sound, great packaging.

Aside: Nakia. I can’t take the cheap shot.

Can’t do it. She seemed like one of the nicest people to ever be booted from the show and I’m pretty sure she needed a hug.

Ranting Aside (Really, The Meat of the Thing): Sarah Goldberg’s bad cowgirl outfit was matched by her hilariously poor audition. At least she was honest about her lack of talent. Sadly, she was completely deluded about her vocal-challenged ability to be the next American Idol. Goldberg seems completely convinced that she can wish her way to fame and riches.

All was rescued--in entertainment value, at least--by her post-audition tantrum filled with shrill name-calling.

She considers it rude that the judges went out drinking the night before judging; I think it’s rude that she would waste the time of the judges fully knowing that she didn’t have the talent to sing a single good note. Rude is expecting to be passed through over the people who have worked to learn their craft, who actually know how to sing. Rude is the selfishness that accompanies Sarah’s ego.

Er, this rant has been halted by a full on hubba hubba for Jory Steinberg. Don’t tell my girlfriend, but I’m pretty sure I’m in love (again). Like Jenry (which, that’s funny when you stop and think about it), Jory would come close to skating through on looks alone. Her vocals are on the good side of decent, but that’s enough for Hollywood. Decent sound, great packaging.

Now, returning to the rant, we come to the antithesis of Sarah Goldberg is the militant Porcelina. Not only is she blessed with distinctive vocals, but she has the kind of work ethic that sets her apart from the hordes of Sarah Goldbergs of the world. Instead of wanting and wishing, she knew what she wanted and she worked to get it.

I have an early favorite, even if it is really just based on admiration for her will rather than her vocal skills.

And that’s where I’ll leave it tonight. Others can talk about the precocious and direly immature Rachel Zevita or Chris Richardson and his “interpretated” song. I’m just happy to see someone who put forth more than a just happy thoughts and inflated self-esteem.

Good for Porcelina and good for us.