I Hate Paula

Tuesday, February 19, 2008

American Idol: The Girl is Suffering House Withdrawal Edition

All the young dudes think that they deserve to be America’s next pop singing sensation. Most of them are wrong--so wrong--and they will spend the next two hours proving my point.

Simon wants personality, originality, and good singing from this group of karaoke all stars. Which means he is probably deeply disappointed every time he comes to work on American Idol--feeling whatever shred of artistic dignity he ever had being stripped slowly from his body with every missed note, longing hobbit glance, and whiny, boy band singer that goes by.

Poor bastard.

Aside: I can’t quite get my head around the MacBook Air. I mean, there is an obvious techno-lust thing going on, especially for the SSD version. But without a DVD, without an ethernet port, and without a couple more ports, how useful would this thing be to me? I’m guessing that the answer is not necessarily much.

But the techno-lust still fills me with longing.

David Hernandez goes all gospely on us and doesn’t sound bad. If you’re looking for Future Lounge Singers of America, I mean. Certainly, the boy can sing and his voice could even be described as pleasant (with the exception of some seriously missed notes at the end), but he’s boring. Bland. Nice enough, though.

Randy liked him more than I did. Paula offered him verbal hugs. Simon was reasonably nice--and he was right. The beginning bit was the best, the kid needs to loosen up, and there wasn’t much distinct about it.

Chikezie isn’t really well-known enough yet to have just one name, is he? I’m having a hard time with that--and with the salmon-colored suit. Beyond that, his vocals started weak and only got a little better as the song went on. And what was up with that arrangement? Didn’t do him any favors at all and, for the second song running, the back-up singers sounded lazy as hell. This was a little disappointing; I thought he would sound better.

Randy was nicer than Chickezie deserves. Paula calls him a throwback to great R&B--which is a huge overstatement. Simon screws up the name and then dumps on the performance in typical Simon fashion (including seconding my opinion of the suit). Again, Simon was right. Chikezie does his best to be a good advocate for himself, though, which I approve of; if you can stand up for yourself without sounding combative (and I don’t think he did), you’ll win a few more votes.

Aside: How many of these performances will people really want to download from iTunes? I’m afraid that the answer might be: more than enough to buy Steve Jobs another personal jet.

Another Aside: McCain wins Wisconsin. Not exactly surprising, eh? I’m far more curious to see the results between Obama & Hillary--my guess is that Obama wins. But by how much?

Colton does look like Ellen. A lot. I mean, he’s a ringer. Wow.

David Cook is likable. I want him to do well. Really. But I wish he had picked a rockier song that might suit his voice and style a little more. He’s a marginal singer and his charm comes out when he kicks up the vocals to rock star level instead of pop star levels. Bad start, decent end.

Randy loves him with the power of man love. Paula blah blah blah. Simon offers the eminently reasonable, “You almost made it believable.”

Aside: Like I said: Obama won. Still don’t know by how much, though.

Another Aside: Does anyone want a free Xbox with games and some other stuff (like the remote control)? Since Girl got me the 360 for Christmas, the old box has been sitting unloved in a nifty little bag. So, if you’ve been yearning for an old Xbox--that also doubles as a surprisingly good DVD player--leave a comment. I’ll choose someone worthy at the end of the week. Okay, it’s been bestowed upon a Blogger Bash semi-regular. I feel good about that.

Jason Yeager has an adorable kid. He also tends to be a little campy in the vocal performance, if you ask me. “Moon River” so fit his looks and vocal style that it’s hard to argue the choice. Still, is that the way to stay in a contest where huge numbers of voters are in that tweenager zone where a “huckleberry friend” isn’t necessarily something that they’ll understand? And, anyway, the vocals were just okay, with some really distracting pitch problems here and there.

Nice guy and I want him to do well, but I can’t see myself voting for him. That said, I actually adore that song, but it’s hard to pull off well.

Randy was, again, nicer than the performance deserved, but offered good criticism. Paula pretty much seconded America’s First Dawg. Simon calls it “very cruise ship” and wonders what kids will be thinking, too. Again, he’s right.

I don’t like Robbie Carrico. Pretty much that simple. He looks the part of a rocker, but he sounds like he should be singing in a Christian band. All look, no edge. That said, he sounded good singing one of my favorite 60’s songs, “One is the Loneliest Number.” Not great, especially if you compare it directly to Three Dog Night, but pretty solid.

I still say that rock is a pose for this guy.

Randy liked it well enough. Paula loves the song choice and thinks he’s all authentic and stuff. Has someone been coaching her in the ways of sobriety? If so, this year could be sort of boring. Simon was very kind and liked it; although he’s questioning the image, too.

David Archuleta is my personal un-favorite. Go back to school, youngster. “Better Shop Around” sounds like something from a Disney production about the 60’s when he gets through neutering it. Of course, he’ll be safe for some time to come because, no matter how much he sucks, he’ll set 13 year old hearts aflutter.

And, anyway, he’s better than Sanjaya.

Randy called it a “mature” performance. Proving that he might be taking over the role of Paula for the evening. Paula won’t give up without a fight--"confident, older soul,” she says. Simon wants to get into the Who Wants to be America’s Next Paula? game, though, and calls it the best of the night.

They must have been passing the crack pipe around during the commercial break. Just sayin’.

And, for the record, Ryan: I’m not so sure that David likes that the ladies love him. He might be traveling an entirely different direction. Anyone who breaks out in spontaneous Irene Cara songs is automatically suspect.

Danny Noriega has an unfortunate name, doesn’t he? Just sayin’.

He has the same problem with me that Archuleta has: too young and a little too neutered in his performance for my taste. But he isn’t nearly as annoying to me, and he gets bonus points for doing “Jailhouse Rock.” It isn’t exactly convincing, but I enjoyed it in spite of myself.

Personality matters and Archuleta makes me want to hit someone in the face. Noriega brings out the paternal in me.

Randy calls it ”kinda hot” and Paula talks enough that I stopped paying attention. Something about colors. Like a rainbow bumper sticker, I imagine. Simon says it was verging on the “grotesque” (I imagine he means it in the “outlandish, bizarre” sense and not the “abnormal, hideous” sense, although I could be wrong).  Ouch. Simon and I seem to diverge on the youngsters, though.

Aside: I have a crush on “Sarah” from the Ford Edge commercial. Bonus points for obsessing about the architecture of the city.

I don’t know what I think about Luke Menard. Good looking guy, nice sense of style, and he can sing. He’s got a decent personality, too. But his voice does just about nothing for me.  “Everybody’s Talkin’ At Me” also deserves a straight, earthy performance; Menard’s take not only misses some notes, but also oversings it, too. If I’d never heard “Everybody’s Talkin’ at Me” or knew about its connection to Midnight Cowboy, maybe you’d have a different view; I can’t hear it outside of that, though.

Randy didn’t like it and really, really wants to keep it real. Powerful, man, powerful. Paula says it was bad, but she says it nicely. Simon says he was boring. I think that’s a bit true, too.

Colton is yet another annoying kid who admits to singing the Teletubbies theme song when he gets nervous. That’s not endearing; that’s just weird.

Singing Elvis is always a good choice for me. Sadly, I can’t hear him since the sound seems to have dropped--ah, there it is. “Suspicious Minds” sounds decent, but not great. Okay, I"m already forgetting it and it’s not over yet.

Okay, aside from looking like Ellen, he also looks a little like a young Dennis Leary. Strange.

Randy says it started rough, which I, you know, wouldn’t know. Paula says not too much, but strokes him like a little puppy dog. Simon hits him for sounding like a “young kid who might have a career in musical theater” instead of a contemporary recording artist. He calls it “very karaoke.” I think Colton will be crying backstage.

Aside: For a great song, listen to Fred Neil’s “Little Bit of Rain.” He’s the guy who wrote “Everybody’s Talkin’ At Me” and made a mint off the song. But “Little Bit of Rain” is just gorgeous--and it points out what I meant about not over singing his songs. A lot of the beauty is in the simplicity. Great song.

Garrett Hailey. Wow. I thought he was a girl. Decent voice on the kid, a little whiny but, generally, not unpleasant. Apparently, he’ll be bringing us the majority of the longing hobbit glances while he’s in the show this year. Aside from the hair, though, does anything stand out about this guy? Does anything shout “pop star” to anyone? He is the most mediocre of the mediocre--not bad in a Sanjaya way, but not actually good.

Randy wants him to be more interesting and watch his pitch problem, calling the kid boring. Paula offers useful criticism while, essentially, agreeing with Randy. Simon thirds the opinion but also takes shots at the hair and pallid skin. Poor kid. Garrett actually seems like a good kid, but I don’t think he’ll be in it for long.

Aside: How the hell did they end up with Noriega and Castro on the show this year? That’s just freaky. “Danny” isn’t “Manuel”, but I figure it’s just sort of a step between that and Danny Ortega in a history of Latin American creepy strongmen.

Jason Castro has progressive hair. Doobie smokin’, no meat eatin’, Kucinich votin’, Republican hatin’, thick ropes of progressive hair. And he looks constantly stoned. I like that he’s playing a guitar and going it alone, though. Nicely done and true to the spirit of the song--he looks it, he sounds it, he feels it. It isn’t exactly my personal taste, but it was the most real performance of the night and I enjoyed it. At least until the end where he sort of got, vocally, off track.

Randy isn’t thrilled, but doesn’t have much to complain about. Paula is “blown away"--and then keeps talking. Which is a shame for all of us. Simon says it was “in the top two performances of the night"--loves the song choice and the performance. Indeed.

Michael Johns is the new love of Girl’s life. Luckily, she’s wandered off and won’t see his performance tonight. No need for jealousy, then…

Doing a Doors song is such a good choice. Fits his voice, fits his looks, fits his style--and, honestly, it should be a better choice than “Bohemian Rhapsody”, which I still say showed up his vocal shortcomings. Unfortunately, he pushed a bit too much, missed some notes, and wasn’t as solid as he was on the Queen song. It isn’t his best vocal performance, but it’s real enough and his overall performance is good enough, that he’ll definitely be staying. Girls will vote for him, scream for him, and in a strange twist on the Sanjaya legend, cry in cringe-inducing and dignity-destroying ways.

I wonder if he’ll be the winner?

Thursday, March 01, 2007

Naked Antonella?

Well, it sure looks like her.

Update: And it looks like we’ll be seeing more of her soon. Apparently there are some big bucks being offered to her.

Thursday, February 22, 2007

American Idol: Don’t Come Around Here No More Edition

Group singing moments are always hideous, even when I like the songs like I did tonight. It’s like watching a marginal high school choral performance with some competing high points and no sense of flow. This one was better than others, but that’s hardly saying that I liked the thing.

If there is any justice, Paul and Sundance will be going home.

Brandon: safe. Sundance: safe. Chris Richardson: safe. Nick: safe. Blake: safe. Paul: gone. Poor, shoeless bastard.

That’s 50% right, but it leaves someone going home later who should still be on the show. Sundance was bad--and has been consistently bad every week except his audition--and should be gone.

Commercial Aside: The Gain new sent commercial was cute. Like a little bunny. Big smiles.

On the other side of the gender fence, Antonella and either Amy or Nicole (darnit) should be going home.

Jordin: safe. Stephanie: safe. Sabrina: safe. Leslie: safe. Antonella: safe. America loves boobies. Amy: gone.

Which, again, leaves Idol about 50% right (or maybe a little less this time since Antonella was so massively deserving of the boot).

Irritated Aside: Did Ryan Seacrest just cut off Quincy Jones? Man, that’s bad form: Quincy Jones is far more deserving of respect than that twerp. Simon should slap that little bastard. Bastard is the word of the day, in case you were wondering, you nosy bastard.

Happy Aside: Fantasia still has a wonderful voice (even if she sang a song that bored me to tears). It was nice to hear her singing again.

Haley: safe. Lakisha: safe. Gina: safe. Nicole: going home. Alaina: safe.

Which is probably right, but is still a shame. Nicole handled the rejection with grace and good humor. I would still say that Antonella should have been going home.

Back to the boys.

Chris Sligh: safe. Phew. Phil: safe. Jared: safe. AJ: safe. Rudy: gone. Sanjaya: safe.

It could easily have been Sanjaya, but I can’t say I’m disappointed--I don’t think Rudy was particularly good, regardless of the Colorado connection.

All in all, the crime is that a couple of the very worst are off the show; the good part is that none of the truly deserving contestants is gone yet.

Tuesday, February 20, 2007

American Idol: Okay, Let’s Start Killing Some Dreams Edition

When Simon was asked about the awards won and albums sold by Idol, he seemed proud of AI’s track record. I kind of felt like all those awards and record sales indicate a music industry that is damned near out of new ideas. This isn’t a good thing.

Just call it a difference of opinion.

Rudy Cardenas renders a lovely karaoke performance of “Free Ride.” Okay, that might be a little harsh, but it really was (as Randy said) cheesy.

I hate Paula’s hair.

Commercial Aside: I love those new Dominos commercials with the big-eyed, big-mouthed, big-eared mutants. Mutants are cool.

Things I like about Brandon Rogers: he is experienced, he is talented, he has a good look, and, at 29, he’s all grown up. Let me emphasize that last bit: he actually acts like a grown-up, and it is greatly appreciated.

Still, for as good as his voice is, his performance was off. It simply wasn’t as good as I expected. He needs to take Randy’s advice—simplify the style—and come out with more confidence. He has all the potential in the world, but he needs to perform better in the coming weeks if he expects to stay on the show.

Paula’s hair isn’t getting any better.

Sundance should feel lucky to be on the show, but not in a good way. His first audition was great, but everything that he has done since has been horrible, including his performance tonight. He chose to go safe with “Nights in White Satin”—but safe didn’t turn out well.

Pitchy, uncomfortable, and unimpressive. The g-phrase gets it right: what did he do with the guy from that first audition. Just say no to Sundance.

Luckily for Sundance, though, Paul Kim was even worse. There was no good to find in his minute and a half.

If a good voice were the main requirement for the show, I’m not sure that Chris Richardson’s nasal voice would have had him shipped home long ago. At least he gets the crowd involved, though—his performance was better than most even if his voice wasn’t.

Seriously, what’s with Paula’s hair?

Nick Pedro has an entirely different problem. His voice could really stand out, but he is a bland performer doing an overly safe job on a terribly boring song. It wasn’t good.

But he does get the “Vote for Pedro” crowd, which almost seems unfair.

How can Blake Lewis ride the beatbox thing, I asked myself when it was his turn to sing. The answer was better than I expected. He is smart enough to know that he can’t ride it all the way through—it sets him apart, but not in an entirely good way. Tonight, without even a touch of beatbox, he gives a really good performance.

I didn’t think he had the charisma, I wasn’t sure he had the voice, but damned if he didn’t do best of all the guys tonight. He was the first one to sound as if he actually belonged on the show.

Girl Scout Cookie Aside: Tagalongs are my own personal kryptonite. In case you were wondering.

Could Sanjaya Malakar be a more likeable guy? Seriously, he’s a sweet kid with a decent voice and he looks like a teen idol in the making. He started out a little rough, but he pulled himself together and gave a decent performance—I’m going to have to disagree with all of the judges on this one and say that the kid sounded pretty good.

Full disclosure, though: I’ve never heard the Stevie Wonder original, so I’m not comparing the performance to any specific knowledge of the song.

Poor Sanjaya took it on the chin tonight.

My emotional favorite is definitely Chris Sligh. He’s funny and he’s born to be a performer—luckily, he can actually sing a bit, too, and he knows how to get the audience excited. I give the guy a thumbs up, although I wonder if he can sell albums to teenage girls, and believe that Simon is really talking about the commercial limitations when he’s complaining about Chris’ voice.

Jared could sell songs to teenage girls—but they aren’t very well known for their discerning taste. He won me over when he sang “Cupid” in an earlier performance, but his shot tonight was hideous and messy.

AJ. Yeah. Whatever.

Unhappy Sudden Realization Aside: What the hell do you mean House isn’t on tonight? Stupid bastards.

At moments like this, I really hate American Idol. 

For an active duty navy guy, Phil Stacey does a good impression of a singer. He has a powerful voice—although you wouldn’t have known it from the early portion of his performance tonight—and he has a more masculine presence than most of the other contestants. At first, he sounded like he was being submerged under the music, but once he found his footing, he was brilliant—definitely one of the best of the night.

It wasn’t a memorable night, but there are a few of these guys who have real potential.

Tuesday, February 13, 2007

American Idol: Hollywood is Fun

It was enjoyable to watch the warning shot across the bow when Simon send the entire first round of girls packing. He was right: none of them sounded good enough to keep around (although a couple of them were close to cute enough for the job).

Catty Aside: Can I tell you that I was glad to see Sarah going home? As much as it was disappointing to see some of the faces leaving, it felt good to see her off.

This is probably my least favorite show of the year. The speed disqualification in the short show, sending massive groups of singers off without seeing much singing or getting a taste of the personalities involved make it one of the “must miss” shows. Unless, of course, you’re obsessive about writing about the show.

Which I’m not.

Honest.

The group portion of the evening is a little better. The personality clashes and high school drama are grand entertainment when you want to feel superior. This year is even more special, though, because of the “I hate you” moment that came along pretty late in the show.

Amanda, the young woman that believed she made it through the group portion because “God likes good people” (unlike, apparently all of the other people who were kicked from the show), was in dire need of being sent home with a swift, metaphorical kick in the butt. Aside from the fact that God probably doesn’t give too hoots who wins American Idol, it would be hard to imagine Him pulling for a two-faced little girl who abandons her group in the middle of their practice.

God don’t roll like dat.

Which was made evident when Amanda was sent home to exercise her many flirting options. Good riddance.

Honestly, it was a missable show. The real stuff starts later.

Update: An a cool singing note, though, the gorgeous song that you heard at the end of House tonight was Lizz Wright’s “Hit the Ground”, which is, hands down, one of my favorite recent discoveries. You can read an old review here.

Tuesday, February 06, 2007

American Idol: The “Are We There Yet?” Edition

So, yeah, I’m pretty sure that Bryan Kyrish made the little Baby Billy Idol cry tonight. But it’s okay because the pretty Haley Scarnato sang his tiny tears away.

Which was nice of her.

Haley has a strong, controlled voice and a beautiful bottom. Which is probably all important in chasing the American Idol dream.

Which, sadly, leads us to Jasmine Holland who really can’t sing. At all. She was right, though: the judges were rude to her. With her level of talent, though, I’m pretty sure the rest of us would’ve been pretty rude, too.

Baylie Brown sent me into fits of “okayyeahwhatever.” Simon praises her hugely after the lukewarm response to the prettier (and, I think, vocally more talented) Haley Scarnato. Sometimes I just don’t get this show.

Girlfriend Aside:
Notably, the g-phrase/f-word disagrees. She says that Baylie was better than Haley, which could go far in defining a lovely little rhyming scheme.

A Wholly Different Aside:
So, do you think they could’ve put a sign on those doors to help people out a bit?

From the moment they grabbed camera time, I liked “Bruce Banner and the Incredible Hulk.” That the Hulk couldn’t sing was a little disappointing, but it didn’t dim his personality even a little bit. Loved him (even though I was glad that he didn’t make it to Hollywood). Just as much, his cousin, Akron Waters deserves the trip. “A Change is Gonna Come” was a good change and I think Sam Cooke would have been proud.

These two are some of my favorites of the year.

Cue the bad audition collage, peaking (?) with Sandy Chavez. Ouch.

Commercial Aside:
I love that Taco Bell “carne asada” ad. The second lion rolls his “r’s” with the same talent that I do. Which fails to impress women like you wouldn’t believe.

Which goes nowhere in explaining the crush I have on Ashlyn Carr. Keep in mind that I wasn’t watching her during the first audition—I just listened—so I missed the odd facial expressions. What I heard, though, was a warm, beautiful voice. The only thing that took away from it was some awkward phrasing. A good coach and some patience would help her with that. God already gave her a warm personality, remarkable beauty, and a compelling voice.

I’m glad that the judges recognized their mistake.

Even better was Jimmy McNeal (spelling?) and his classic vocal style. He was one of the few that I could imagine going out of my way to hear based on his voice, performance, and song choice. “Cupid” was and inspired choice—upbeat, fun, and catchy.

Tuesday, January 30, 2007

American Idol: The South Will Rise Again Edition

American Idol hits Alabama—with makes Andy all jealous. With his unique musical skills, it’s a sure bet that he missed his shot at fame by not being at the audition (along with the 11,000 actual contestants).

As for me, all the southern accents just made me all giddy. For some reason.

In the beginning: Erica Sky sucks. I mean, seriously, hubba hubba, but damn…

Somebody should have warned her. Repeatedly. With a big, pointy stick if necessary. Because Erica Sky sucks.

And then, who the hell let the four year old in the room? Katie Bernard has one of the strangest, smallest speaking voices I’ve ever heard. She apparently sidestepped puberty on the way to the audition. Her singing, while better, was hardly a treat. If I had a choice, I would have been practicing my “no” voice.

Seems nice enough, though.

Less Random Aside Than it Might Otherwise Seem: Will Hugh Grant ever play someone other than Hugh Grant in a movie? He certainly does himself well—you know, slightly clueless, basically good hearted, almost painfully shallow—but is there anything else to the guy?

At least Tatiana McConnico did well. Nice voice.

Did you see that? Did you see how things went all flaccid when a decent, but not truly great, singer comes on the show? There isn’t quite enough talent to stand out and not enough personality to make her interesting. What the hell is a hypercritical bastard like me supposed to write about moments like that?

Bernard Williams II goes into that same category, although he shows it with a bit extra personality. And Paula was confused: he wasn’t off key.

The forced joviality and terrifying fuzzy clothing of Margaret Fowler brought back the entertainment value of the show (praise the Supreme Being). The fifty-year-old contestant wasn’t as bad as I would have suspected, and, frankly, she was far less irritating than most of the “interesting” contestants that go through the show.

Bravo!

None of which changes the fact that Jamie Lynn Ward’s tale of her mother’s infidelity and her father’s paralysis was one of the more interesting (and sad) stories told on the show. Which interests me not at all. Decent voice, bad song choice (personal opinion), and cute as all get out.

Another one to actually like (at very least on a personal level): Chris Somethingorother. Quick and funny, with a better voice than I expected, I liked this guy. Here’s hoping he stays on the show for a while.

Hair.

A distracting oddity.

I hate Josh Groban.

Not really fond of my own writing style at times, either.

Lakia Hill, whose voice was as bad as any I’ve heard and whose song choice was rendered indecipherable. Hideous, horrific, and something else bad that starts with “h”.

Semi-Random Aside: What this show needs is more cowbell.

Nichole Catzman was better than the judges credited her with and I do hope she tries again. She was at least as good as some of the other crap that they pass through (dig that visual). Her voice wasn’t great—but it probably should have been good enough.

Brandy was another story. She probably deserved even more cruelty than the judges provided. She was determined, but she was also bad.

Rubbish, indeed.

One thing I don’t hate is House. Brilliant show that someone keeps getting better with each show.

Friday, January 26, 2007

Man, I Wish Someone Would Be Mean to Me…

Rosie O’Donnell rewarded the two American Idol-mocked (and, subsequently, internationally feted) gentlemen, Jonathan Jayne and Kenneth Briggs, with a free trip to Disney World. Which is nice for them.

But let’s have a moment of honesty, here. Two young men went on a show where early contestants are often treated pretty cruelly. They were just as bad as might have been expected and, well, the results were entirely predictable. They were treated in a shoddy manner, Simon confirmed his ability to say and do socially stupid things (seriously, he often seems to be as socially tone deaf as he is a good judge of the kind of pop music that sells by the truck load), and the young men left with a little extra crankiness in their lives.

Since, they have been on late night and early morning shows, they have enlisted agents to help them catch their fifteen minutes of fame as profitably as possible, and now they’ve been given a free trip to Disney World. I’m not going to say that they don’t deserve it--who’s to judge?--but I will say that being publicly humiliated seems to have worked out pretty well for them. Profitably, even.

So, let’s let the “poor, little, helpless things” moment pass. The insults weren’t truly injurious, Jonathan and Kenneth have made the best of it, and, still, neither of them can sing a true note.

‘Nuff said.

Read the rest.

Wednesday, January 24, 2007

American Idol, The New York is Sort of Creepy Edition

It’s good that American Idol starts with Ian “The Dancing Queen” Benardo tonight. It restores faith in the value of mocking those desperately in need.

With his idiotically inflated sense of self, rudeness, and stupendous lack of talent, Benardo must be somebody’s idea of a joke. Honestly, he is why I like the mean parts of the show at times: this oddly xenophobic young man really needed the kind of verbal slap that only someone like Simon can provide.

On the other hand, Sarah Burgess needs therapy more than she needs a ticket to Hollywood. Her “daddy doesn’t love me” issues and speed dial tears far outweigh her marginal talent. Which doesn’t make her post audition tears endearing or heartwarming; it makes her more of an object of worried sympathy. Like many of the contestants, she could probably use a few years of growing up before she tries to launch a singing career.

Aside: Maybe Greek singing and dancing competitions are so different from their American competitions that cultural exchange isn’t possible. At least, that’s the polite view of a certain audition this evening…

Which, bad Greek entertainment is a poor way to lead into Ashanti’s desperation play for a trip to Hollywood. Her impressive, melodramatic monolog was certainly long, but just as certainly ineffective. How often do contestants shoot their last shred of dignity away with that kind of a begging performance? Admittedly, most aren’t as earnest or as long-winded, but the belief still seems to be that you can beg your way to Hollywood.

Darling girlfriend notes that the final look that Ashanti gave as she left the room made it seem as if the woman had just broken up with Simon. Which is either funny or disturbing, depending on your point of view.

Hate. Despise. Abhor. Revile. Scorn.

Choose one of the above to describe how I felt about the Paris and Nicole wannabes, Amanda Collucio and Antonella Barba. They both seem shallow and somehow useless to me--empty of depth and emotion. Which might be a job requirement for a unit shifting pop singer these days, I’m not sure.

Which attitude is why I’m not really the target audience for the show; though this blog makes a bit of a hypocrite of me, doesn’t it?

Anyhow, Antonella was the better of the two by far, but damned if the duo aren’t a sign of the creeping mediocrity of American pop music. Or maybe I’m just cranky about the lingering snow and promise of a big, shiny, new storm this weekend.

One of the fun parts of the night was watching Paula courting thoughts of statutory rape when Jenry walked in the room. The darling girlfriend said, as soon as he walked out, that the man is pretty and she could care less how well he sang. Which is nice for Jenry since his audition went well. Decent sound, great packaging.

Aside: Nakia. I can’t take the cheap shot.

Can’t do it. She seemed like one of the nicest people to ever be booted from the show and I’m pretty sure she needed a hug.

Ranting Aside (Really, The Meat of the Thing): Sarah Goldberg’s bad cowgirl outfit was matched by her hilariously poor audition. At least she was honest about her lack of talent. Sadly, she was completely deluded about her vocal-challenged ability to be the next American Idol. Goldberg seems completely convinced that she can wish her way to fame and riches.

All was rescued--in entertainment value, at least--by her post-audition tantrum filled with shrill name-calling.

She considers it rude that the judges went out drinking the night before judging; I think it’s rude that she would waste the time of the judges fully knowing that she didn’t have the talent to sing a single good note. Rude is expecting to be passed through over the people who have worked to learn their craft, who actually know how to sing. Rude is the selfishness that accompanies Sarah’s ego.

Er, this rant has been halted by a full on hubba hubba for Jory Steinberg. Don’t tell my girlfriend, but I’m pretty sure I’m in love (again). Like Jenry (which, that’s funny when you stop and think about it), Jory would come close to skating through on looks alone. Her vocals are on the good side of decent, but that’s enough for Hollywood. Decent sound, great packaging.

Now, returning to the rant, we come to the antithesis of Sarah Goldberg is the militant Porcelina. Not only is she blessed with distinctive vocals, but she has the kind of work ethic that sets her apart from the hordes of Sarah Goldbergs of the world. Instead of wanting and wishing, she knew what she wanted and she worked to get it.

I have an early favorite, even if it is really just based on admiration for her will rather than her vocal skills.

And that’s where I’ll leave it tonight. Others can talk about the precocious and direly immature Rachel Zevita or Chris Richardson and his “interpretated” song. I’m just happy to see someone who put forth more than a just happy thoughts and inflated self-esteem.

Good for Porcelina and good for us.

Monday, January 22, 2007

A Nod of Approval for Simon

I’ve seen a lot about how the American Idol judges crossed the lines of cruelty in those opening shows. People are focusing, particularly, on the young Special Olympics competitor and his “bush baby” compatriot. Well, here’s a dissenting opinion from FoxNew’s writer Mike Straka.

All of you critics who are sooo offended at Simon’s crude honesty are the reason these morons think they can sing in the first place. I sound like a broken record here, but self-esteem cannot be granted.

It has to be earned.

Sadly, these delusional “Idol” wannabes who can’t carry a tune in a bucket are the product of “yes” parents, siblings, teachers and friends who coddle their talentless associates and family members to the point where they think they’re going to be the next “American Idol.”

There is something to be said for the honesty, I agree, but telling a young man that he looks like a “bush baby” is something else entirely. The truth is that the pre-auditions are manipulated to give the show the best mix of reasonably good and humorously bad auditions. So, the obviously bad--like Kenneth and Jonathan--are ushered through simply so that they can be put on display and mocked for our viewing pleasure.

Would it be wrong to ask the judges to show some modicum of sympathy to someone like Jonathan Jayne, who is mildly autistic, when he is shown in for his audition?

Thursday, January 18, 2007

Other, at Least Vaguely, Related Stuff

Seriously, folks, wouldn’t you rather be a Ninja Warrior than an American Idol?

Just wondering.

Anyway, Randy Thomas feels for some of the singers. Randy’s a nice guy. Cruelty doesn’t come naturally to him.

Missy makes the right choice. I’ve never heard her sing, and she might be wonderful, but the odds are against her. Knowing when not to subject yourself to the cruelties of others is a wonderful survival instinct.

From USA Today’s Idol Chatter, comes this:

Reflecting on the long and painful night, I’m with you. Idol really needs to lay off the grotesques and the more seriously delusional hopeless cases. It’s not hard to laugh at some of the untalented singers—the ones like The Hotness or Melissa Stavros, who you know are pretty unflappable, impregnable in their egotism. But some of these others, Nick Zitsmond or even Big Red, and definitely the two buddies, Kenneth and Jonathan—you feel they’re going to be scarred for life, and by expressing any amusement at all, you almost feel complicit in causing their misery. Not a pleasant feeling.

So, Rosie is free to mock pretty much whomever she chooses. She can make little fake Chinese sounds in making fun of an entire nation of people. She can, basically, be bitchy as she wants to be. But when the American Idol take shots at the hapless fools who, fully knowing the potential for public humiliation, come begging a spot in Hollywood, Rosie bares fangs and lets loose.

Maybe I should have named the site “iHateRosie.com.” It would have been a step closer to the truth, anyway.

Wednesday, January 17, 2007

American Idol, 17 January 2007

Night two of American Idol is even better than the first. The good part just keeps getting better with people like Misha and her look-alike mom.

The frizzy-haired duo, with lipstick like spackling, might be the most delightfully wrong thing that has happened to American Idol this year. Do I wish my girlfriend what hot like you? Well, no, I don’t, but thanks for asking. To their credit, Misha and her mother handle her rejection with grace and some sliver of dignity intact; a remarkable feat considering just how bad her audition was.

Somewhat Random Aside: Is American Idol an ingenuous plot to bring out the catty gay man in all of us? Talk about jumping to a potentially offensive stereotype…

Not Nearly So Random Aside: Has Paula embraced a new, drug-free self? If so, will her sobriety last much longer?

The strange voices and even stranger hairdos aren’t surprising in Seattle. I’ve always thought that Seattle is one of the most willfully odd cities in America, and more willing to embrace random acts of pointless rebellion than any other city I’ve visited. Which probably makes some of the willfully odd denizens of, say, Boulder on the defensive.

“No! Damn you, Zombyboy,” they say, “Recognize the focus and attention we put into our carefully prepared Pearl Street Mall panhandling outfits and busking routines.”

I see you, but I also saw that kid in the documentary Hype! Who walked around shoving things up his nose and pretending it was a normal thing. Seattle’s happy embrace of arrogant oddities (they put the “pose” back in “poseur”) was one of the things that made it so gratifying to see two of the best performers be such normal people. Keeping in mind that “best” in this context is setting a mighty low bar to clear, brother-sister pair Sanjaya and Shyamali had lovely voices, chose good songs, and acted like typical siblings.

Adorable.

Now bring back the freak show. Which leads us to a big thanks to Nicholas Zitzmann (good Lord, what a cruel name). The 27 year-old software engineer and saucer-eyed Idol wannabe brought one of the most torturous performances I’ve seen on the show. Speaking of setting a bar, that’s an Olympic level high jump in this company. To be one of the worst, you have to be bad. Donald Trump hairdo bad, if you know what I mean.

The judges were warranted in their brutal response to the massively untalented Zitzmann. We can only hope that their honesty will protect us from any public return-engagement from the awkward young man. If he never sings again, it will be a kindness.

In the later episodes, it is always refreshing to watch the sparring of Simon and Paula. That the two fight over such unremarkable talents as Rudy Cardenas only adds a few giggles to the mix.  Cardenas has the kind of bland style that has done well on the show, though, so it wouldn’t be surprising to see him hanging around for a while.

But in all the fun, and between all the digital venom that can be spilled over the contestants, there is some inherent cruelty to the show. Letting kids like Kenneth Briggs embarrass themselves on TV and then let the cameras linger on their disappointed faces is mean enough. Simon’s “bush baby” comment is just a gratuitous shot at an easy target. Following it up with Jonathan Jayne’s pitiable performance pushes it right into a wincing moment.

And so the last hour of the show passes in a gray blur, the vicious commentary is leaden, and the bad contestants merely pathetic. But that really is American Idol, isn’t it?

Tuesday, January 16, 2007

Just a Little Introduction

To be fair, I don’t actually hate Paula; I just find her banal and irritating. BanalandIrritatingPaula.com isn’t nearly as easy to type as iHatePaula.com, though. Not as catchy.

Soon (very soon) the site’s templates will be updated, pretty pictures will abound, occasional musical antidotes to the American Idol abominations will be offered, and, most importantly, you’ll find regular commentary on the performances and the judges.

Excited, aren’t you?